Why women should make the first move in the dating world

By Marni Dixit May 23, 2016
Women should make the first move in a relationship

Studies recently revealed that women who make the first move are more successful in their dating endeavours, so we spoke to dating and relationships coach, Stephanie Chan, about why women should be taking charge in their dating lives.

When it comes to dating, women have this idea that they shouldn't approach men first, but it's actually hindering their pursuit of love.

It was recently found that women who make the first move have better dating lives and strengthen their chances of engaging with more attractive counterparts.

Dating coach, Stephanie Chan, spoke to smooth and revealed why she believes women should be making the first move:

"Sometimes women get the impression that if they tick all the boxes then it’s a no brainer that they’ll find that special guy.  What they have to remember is that they are in competition with a whole lot of other women who ALSO tick all the boxes. You need to get noticed. You need to be ahead of your competition.


"Something to note is that taking the initiative becomes more necessary as women get older, mainly because... well, men are busy. They have businesses, intense careers, hobbies, and sometimes families from a previous relationship.  They are time poor.  The high quality ones might have an online profile but they are probably not going to spend a lot of time trawling for you.  

"They can also become tired, a little jaded about the whole thing and just don't bother to make the first move anymore."

Stephanie gave the example of a female client she saw recently who complained about not getting any communication from her matches on Tinder, however, after sitting down for 10 minutes and adjusting the client's mentality and talking through a good opener, the client came back the next day with four dates lined up for the next weekend!

First move

Need more positives? Women who make the first move have more control over the situation and you get to choose who you are interacting with rather than waiting for someone to come to you. Stephanie said:

"Traditionally women have been brought up on a diet of fairy tales where the heroine waits for the prince to sweep in and “choose” her.  Remaining in the “wait” position, letting herself be chosen instead of choosing, means that a woman has no control over the quality of men she interacts with. When she takes the initiative she gets to fish in a whole different pool of potential partners. 

"Acting first can also help her to retain her belief that there are good quality men out there – she’ll ONLY be interacting with men she thinks are good.  If she waits for unsuitable or low quality men to contact her, she will soon begin to believe that that’s all there is."

Whatever I choose is cool because I am cool

The truth is, by not acting first you could be wasting precious time, with Stephanie saying some of her clients sit around waiting for a relationship for years and years, but aren't actually doing anything about it. But in reality, what have you actually got to lose by approaching someone first?!

"Prince Charming will not stumble across you while you sit on the couch in your flannelette pyjamas.  Women need to think of this like a business, or like getting a job.  If you want a result you need to be focused on what you want, you need to have a plan, you need to take some risks, and most importantly you need to keep going.  

"You wouldn’t give up on finding a job after five knock-backs, don’t give up on finding your guy after five rejections.  Invest your time and effort."

I really like you

Now after all of this helpful advice, you're wondering, "OK she's got a point, but how do I actually go about it?!" Never fear, we looked into this as well. 

First, you need to manage the possibility of rejection, it can and probably will happen, unfortunately poor behaviour from online daters does happen, as Stephanie says, "It's just the nature of the beast," and we aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but what might turn someone else off could be the reason someone else falls for you.

The next step is to not focus on just one person, Stephanie explained to us:

"If you send out three contacts at a time, every time, you are hardly going to notice the ones that say ‘No’.  You either won’t even remember sending the contact, or you’ll just say, ‘Meh! I’ve got others!’"

Interaction with a man

Lastly, you need to remember to manage your time effectively, don't spend hours and hours on it, if you do that you might just feel sorry for yourself, so allow yourself restricted, but frequent time to check in on your online dating profile.

What about nerves? Stephanie says it's easy to overcome nerves once you change your "inner agenda".

"If you combine ‘I’m looking for the one’ with ‘I hope he likes me’ you will most likely feel zero confidence.  It’s too much pressure and it puts you in the position of being judged.  

"If you instead choose a mindset of ‘Can I have 10 minutes of silly conversation with this guy?’ and combine it with ‘I’d like to find out if I like HIM’, you’ll find that you’ll automatically have less nerves."

There you have it ladies, go get 'em!

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